Planning To Be Present

 B"H

Much of my direction for recovery from depression has involved sticking to plans: healthy routines, social plans, self-care plans.  I have set goals, scheduled my week, prioritized my tasks.  In my treatment program I received worksheets on Behavioral Activation, a.k.a. try to do some fun stuff and also accomplish something, you might feel better, really.

It's plenty of work to stick with plans while the tides of emotion flow up and down.  But last week, the plans stopped all at once.  We had a winter storm, and the power went out.  And stayed out.  And my priorities changed.  1. Keep the house warm.  2. Figure out how to prepare food.  3. Try to get warmer.  4. Ration phone use. 

Thank G-d, the power eventually came back.  (Not before my neighbor came over to ask, "What are we going to do when it gets dark?  I can't read by flashlight, and it's too early to go to bed!"  Your guess is as good as mine, sir!)  And I realized that I have all these ideas in my head that I "should" be accomplishing my various plans and goals each day.  Going a few days without them, I began sinking into a negative self-worth hole.  My self-care plans and business plans and goals were standing in as another substitute for genuine positive self-regard.

I am still grappling with the reality that self-worth isn't worth much if it's conditional.  Even "If I'm getting better, I'm worthy" is a trap.  My character traits are a trap if I use them to feel worthy.  My accomplishments too.  If I must have a "because," then I'm worthy because G-d made the world with me in it.  That's all.

But in the meantime, not having a reason to feel worthy equals feeling unworthy.  That's hard.

Yet isn't it an excess of ego that leads me to think that I can determine whether and when I am worthy?  Even when I judge myself unworthy, I am still retaining the authority to be the judge.  That same judge is telling me that I have had a good day and can feel good when I follow my plans.  

Plans, perhaps, are the training ground for a higher calling: the call of the moment.  The moment is all that exists.  The plans are for the future.  The regrets are for the past.  The only place and time when we are called upon to meet the call is here, now.  The contents of the now give us our relevant frame of reference.  If it snows, keep warm.  If you have power and heat and food, there is another way of improving the world.  We're just accountable for one moment at a time.  And if G-d hasn't taken us out yet, we're still worthy, according to the Definer of Worth. 

It seems that the next-level secret of feeling okay about myself will be... to let go.  To let go of the ego that insists I'm only good conditionally.  To let go of trying to be better, and accept just being good.  To let go of planning as a measuring stick, and use it only as a support for treading the path.  To let go of mandatory progress, and accept rest and exploration.  And mistakes.  Accept missteps as one more piece of information for the next present moment.

It's going to feel like a big mess at first.  But it is a step closer to living in the present with a full heart.